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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127102">A Series of Realizations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBioluminescence/pseuds/BlueBioluminescence'>BlueBioluminescence</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Academy Era, M/M, More often misunderstandings, Mostly humor, Secret Marriage, Secret Relationship, hints of Tarsus but nothing more then hints, in which Vulcan's get married in 2.5 seconds of finding a compatible mind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:20:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBioluminescence/pseuds/BlueBioluminescence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A Story about the people in Jim and Spock's lives finding out that they are married and have been for a while now. </p><p>Featuring:<br/>Academy AU<br/>Secret Relationship<br/>Vulcans get married in 2.5 seconds after finding a compatible mind<br/>Spock following the proud family tradition of being a slut</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1204</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>A Labyrinth of Fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Bones</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story was honestly just an excuse to put together some of my favorite tropes and I figured I would share it since I am sure some of you like these Tropes too.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <span>CHAPTER 1: BONES </span>
</h3>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When McCoy answers the door there is a Vulcan standing on the other side. He blinks slowly, trying to right the very wrong image in front of him. It doesn’t work, but it does bring into focus the fact that the guy is in a professor's uniform. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um...Can I help you...sir?” he asks slowly, not exactly sure how to take this new development on his first day moving into his new dorm. It hadn’t exactly been an ideal time, especially given who his roommate turned out to be. God he hoped that Jim hadn’t done something </span>
  <em>
    <span>already</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He could already tell that that kid was going to be trouble.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have been informed that this is the dormitory assigned to James Tibirius Kirk. I wish to speak with him should he be available.” The Vulcan said and, though his voice was perfectly empty of all discernible emotions there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>in it that told Leonard that he knew damn well that Kirk was there and available to talk and that being turned away wasn’t an option.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right…” he said slowly, looking the guy over again and wondering what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jim had done to put a damn Vulcan at their doorstep, especially since they had just arrived in San Francisco that morning. “I’ll just-” he started before Kirk’s voice popped up behind him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spock! What are you doing here?” He asked, sounding way too happy as Leonard blinked and moved aside just a little so he could stare over his shoulder at the kid. Jim just smiled widely, eyes locked on their ‘guest’ as he pulled Leonard back. “Get out of the way Bones, let the guy in!” He laughed, clearly trying to get all of them into the dorm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell kid.” He mumbled, looking between the Vulcan in their doorway and Jim who looked ecstatic at this visit. “is he your boyfriend or something?” he mumbled, letting himself be dragged back as the Vulcan took that as a sign to move forward and let the door close behind him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>McCoys words were meant to be a joke but with the way Jim laughed McCoy got a sudden sinking feeling that Jim was laughing because the words were </span>
  <em>
    <span>true </span>
  </em>
  <span>“He’s something like that at least, Though I should definitely go around introducing you as my ex-boyfriend.” He was smiling widely at the Vulcan who was leaning down and removing his shoes as if he expected to be staying a while. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That would be a singularly misleading way to say that I am your husband and it would also be factually untrue as we have never dated.” The Vulcan stated in a bland monotone that had McCoy reeling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your HUSBAND?!” He asked, turning back to stare at Jim, his mouth hanging open but at this point he was definitely being ignored.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” Jim said incredulously, though the smile on his face said he was far from upset, “I thought we were going for the ‘not telling anyone’ and what do you mean never dated? We totally dated!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We shared one drink at a bar followed by three days of sex at which point you asked me to marry you.” The Vulcan corrected him as he pushed further into the room now that his shoes were off, forcing McCoy to stumble back slightly to avoid touching him, though maybe that was more of the continued shock of this conversation. He watched as the Vulcan looked around their dorms main sitting area, as if assessing a strategic map and McCoy really did not want to know what he was ‘strategizing’. “Even with my limited knowledge of terrain culture I believe few would call that ‘dating’”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” McCoy pushed in and also pushed Jim further into their dorm so that he could get out of the entrance. He knew the rooms were soundproof but he wasn’t having whatever the hell this conversation was while crowded in a door. “Can you repeat that? you-“ he pointed between Jim and the Vulcan, both of whom were looking at him now “got married after WHAT?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim smiled widely at him and Bones did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>like that look as Jim reached a hand out and slapped him on the shoulder “Ignore him Bones, he’s just upset because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> our three day sex marathon was the best sex either of us had ever had.” He winked and McCoy groaned and covered his face with his hands, “There was no way I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> marrying him after that!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You misunderstand.” McCoy heard the Vulcan chime in, though he refused to move his face from his hands to look at the bastard. “I am not complaining about the nature of our union. I am simply arguing that those three days cannot, logically, be labeled as ‘dating’ and, therefore, I was never your boyfriend.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to sit down.” McCoy grumbled and finally looked back up to see the two </span>
  <em>
    <span>love birds</span>
  </em>
  <span> looking at eachother again. He stumbled past them to their Starfleet issued couch and collapsed into it as the two went on talking, ignoring his crisis of realizing what having a married roommate like Jim would mean for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, Fine, ex-fuck buddy then. But that still doesn’t answer my </span>
  <em>
    <span>other</span>
  </em>
  <span> question: thought we were trying to keep our Vegas wedding quiet.” Jim was saying as McCoy stared at nothing, wondering how often he would have to sanitize their dorm. Why didn’t the guy just call Jim over to his place? He was pretty damn sure the staff got single rooms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do not understand why you continue to insist on calling our union a ‘Vegas wedding’,” the Vulcan replied as McCoy wondered if the Vulcan had a roommate too, “as it was not a human wedding ceremony nor was it anywhere near the city or planet of Vegas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t answer my question Spock! I know when you are dodging Mister!” McCoy looked up to see Jim wagging a finger at the other and his eyes moved to the Vulcan who was still looking very blank. McCoy wondered how Jim could actually read the guy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Vulcan looked genuinely confused for a second and seemed to stare at Jim, as if trying to read what the human wanted him to say before finally opening his mouth, “...while I still believe it is imperative that we keep our union quiet,” the Vulcan started slowly and McCoy already knew where this was going, could feel where it was going, and cursed under his breath, “you were correct in our earlier conversation that such a task would prove difficult in respect to your current living arrangements, especially as I intended to initiate sexual intercorse-“ yup. There it was “-with you as soon as possible upon your arrival.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Intended or intend?” Jim answered and McCoy’s head was back in his hands so he didn’t see so much as </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear </span>
  </em>
  <span>the smirk in Jim’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>right here.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He told them, his words muffled in his hands. If they could hear him they ignored him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Intend.” The Vulcan clarified and McCoy groaned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well what the hell are you waiting for?! It’s been </span>
  <em>
    <span>months!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jim I swear to god-! I’m leaving. I’m requesting a room change and-“</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doctor McCoy,” The Vulcan cut him off and oh if it wasn’t disconcerting to realize the Vulcan </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew his name. “</span>
  </em>
  <span>I must insist that you do not let the nature of my union to James Kirk out of this room. As it is, neither of us can afford to have such a thing uncovered.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh ya? And why is that?!” He asked, before remembering that Spock was a professor but then remembering that these two were </span>
  <em>
    <span>apparently </span>
  </em>
  <span>already married and that fraternization rules applied differently to already married couples.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll explain it to you a little later Bones,” Jim reassured him quickly, before he could press the question further, “and I promise that Spock will buy you a </span>
  <em>
    <span>really nice</span>
  </em>
  <span> bottle of brandy as a thank you, won’t you Spock?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If that is what the doctor wishes as a…’thank you’ for your silence then such a thing can be procured.” Spock replied, slowly and very obvious watching Kirk as if to gauge if he was answering correctly according to human customers. It was almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>sweet</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ya, well, what I really want is a damn place to sleep as I apparently can’t sleep here tonight!” McCoy said, indicating to the second half of their dorm room where two beds could be seen through the flimsy opaque-glass that divided the two rooms. Jim at least had the decency to look sheepish at that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you wish Doctor, I will happily transfer the credits you would need to procure a temporary room for the night.” Spock said, seeming happier with this compromise then the other offer as he had already taken out his communicator, “to compensate you for the inconvenience.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bones grumbled but took the credits and left, he wasn’t about to say no to a hotel room alone after that shuttle ride there and not to mention the chance at a hot tub. he just knew he was going to be sanitizing the whole dorm come morning and he deserved some damn proper relaxation before that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>————</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh great, you’re still here” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Vulcan blinked up at him before straightening from where he had been slightly hunched over their dorm room replicator. “As it is still early morning and classes are not scheduled to start for another week I found no reason to vacate the premises before my bonded awoke.” The Vulcan, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spock </span>
  </em>
  <span>if he remembered correctly, told him as he came to near enough a parade rest in front of the other. The effect was slightly lost given that he was very obviously wearing a pair of Jim’s sweat-pants, which were too short for him, and his uniform undershirt. The damn guy looked almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>relaxed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, don’t-“ McCoy pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed out. After a night of relaxing at a hotel by himself he could handle this. He could. “do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to refer to him like that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Vulcan, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spock</span>
  </em>
  <span> damn it, raised an eyebrow at him and McCoy tried to figure out what the hell that was supposed to even mean before he spoke. “As Jim Kirk is my bonded, and given that you have already been made privy to this Information, I see no reason why I shouldn’t refer to him as my bonded.” He said evenly, as if it was obvious and McCoy sighed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right just- I’m still trying to get it through my head that you, a goddamn Vulcan, married </span>
  <em>
    <span>that man </span>
  </em>
  <span>after three days.” He grumbled, he had only known Jim for 24 hours and he couldn’t exactly say the kid fit the bill for a Proper Vulcan Bride, though what the hell did he know? “The kid was hungover and beat half to hell when I met him on the shuttle here. He had been in a damn bar fight before getting on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am aware of Jim’s altercation from two nights ago.” Spock informed him, almost looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>testy</span>
  </em>
  <span> that McCoy would even suggest that he hadn’t been informed of something that had happened in his husband's life. “Given mine and Jim’s high mental and physical compatibility I found no reason to delay our union. To do so would have been illogical and a waste of time. Now if you will excuse me doctor,” he bit out and, yup, even though he couldn’t really </span>
  <em>
    <span>see </span>
  </em>
  <span>it McCoy knew, somehow, that he had pissed the Vulcan off. Great. “I was going to prepare coffee for Jim and tea for myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn pointy eared Vulcan.” He grumbled, “Fine. But if you're making coffee then you better be making me some too for having to put up with this mess.” He crossed his arms and moved over to collapse on the couch, deciding that ignoring their unexpected house-guest was the best course of action.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As you wish, Doctor.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>————</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It turned out that Jim and Spock didn’t just have sex, oh no, they chatted and </span>
  <em>
    <span>worked together </span>
  </em>
  <span>like a well oiled machine and Bones was left watching them in almost awe as they moved around eachother.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After Jim had woken up it was almost like a switch had been flipped and they were both in ‘work’ mode. They spent the morning figuring out what Jim needed for his dorm room - though why anyone would need that many emergency rations was beyond McCoy - what Jim needed for his closet - as the kid had shown up with little more then the cloths on his back - and what he needed for the classes he planned to take. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>strange</span>
  </em>
  <span> to watch them work, their unspoken agreements, the light bickering when they disagreed on necessities, the occasional flirting from Jim. McCoy had been married before but he didn’t remember it ever being like this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s probably that Vulcan mind voodoo </span>
  </em>
  <span>he grumbled to himself as he watched both of them decide that they were ready to go shopping: both of them with different destinations and goals in mind with a plan to meet back up here once everything was purchased. McCoy had to wonder, as the kissed each other goodbye before heading out the door, if they were going to separate locations because it was more efficient or because they were trying to keep their relationship under wraps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>————</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So are you going to tell me what the hell that was last night?” He asks once Jim is finally back and his husband has vanished for at least a while. McCoy isn’t stupid though: wherever the Vulcan has vanished to he knows he’ll be back sooner rather then later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” Jim asked, he was half under his bed sorting through the packets of food that Spock had gotten for him, it was honestly pretty damn odd but also oddly </span>
  <em>
    <span>sweet</span>
  </em>
  <span> given how much Jim had lit up as soon as Spock had walked through the door with the stuff. You would think it was damn near Christmas. “What do you mean? It was my husband coming over for sex and to help me move in.” He said, smirking and winking up at McCoy who was sitting on his own bed just watched.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>got</span>
  </em>
  <span> that.” He rolled his eyes, “I mean the whole ‘secretly married to a Vulcan’ thing. Why is it a secret kid?” He asked, voice a little more compassionate than normal, “no offense but it’s a little odd.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh ya...forgot,” he said as he pulled himself out from under his bed and sat cross legged on the floor. “I told you I would explain that. Well…” he rubbed at the back of his head before sighing and looking back up at McCoy, “Look. We both kinda grew up with the press and people’s expectations breathing down our necks,” he explained, “and it was a lot. The constant…everything. I mean you can’t exactly have a private life when anything you say or do ends up in </span>
  <em>
    <span>some </span>
  </em>
  <span>news article somewhere.” And McCoy could see the kid flinch and had to wonder what, exactly, had been written about him. “and so we both just unanimously agreed that keeping everything quiet in the end. A Vulcan Marriage doesn’t need anyone but the people getting married.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh Huh.” McCoy said, kind of getting the picture of it now, “And how long ago was that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About...three years ago?” He watched Kirk squint, probably doing some quick mental math, “If you want an exact time you’ll have to ask Spock, I’ve got the anniversary down but I don’t exactly count the hours.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About three years ago.” He asked, sitting straight up again in surprise, “You have been married for </span>
  <em>
    <span>three years </span>
  </em>
  <span>and you haven’t told anyone in all that time?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope! No one was important enough to let know.” He said with a wide grin and there was a not so hidden meaning to Jim’s words that McCoy couldn’t overlook. “And I’m really not interested in letting anyone know. It’s not really anyone’s business.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Except, apparently, </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He added, grumbled really as the shock of it really set in. What the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span> had he done to be let in on this secret?! He had only known this kid for a few days!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jim, either completely oblivious to his internal crises or choosing to ignore him simply smiled widely up at him. “Yup! Welcome to the family Bones! It’s good to have you here!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hate you.” He grumbled, “I hate you so much.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Uhura</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which there is a lot of miscommunication and Uhura finds out</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know Ao3 is having e-mail issues so this probably isn't the best time to post new chapters but...oh well!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>CHAPTER 2: UHURA </h3><p> </p><p>They were cuddling in Spock’s bed when the announcement came and Jim can only feel elation at Spock’s words. </p><p>“I believe I am making what you would call ‘a friend’.”</p><p>“What really?” Jim had said immediately, putting down his course work and turning to look at his husband. Spock had difficulty meeting people, a fact Jim was well aware of. The number of people that Jim could genuinely consider to be Spock’s friends were limited to two and even then they were his superior officers. It kind of limited how much of a ‘friend’ they could be. It was good to hear that Spock might have someone else “That’s great Spock! Anyone I know?”</p><p>“I do not believe so.” He said slowly, thinking it over, “She is my assistant for my linguistics course and, to my knowledge, she joined the academy a year before you.” He tilted the pad he was reading towards Jim and Jim could see that there was a flier on it, “She has requested my presence at a lecture on the mathematical structure of the Urchch language found in the high northern hemisphere of the planet Riesp III.”</p><p>“That sounds wonderful babe.” Jim said, smiling encouragingly and turning to press a soft kiss to Spock lips, “I’m sure you will find it most fascinating.” He teased. </p><p>“As Doctor Wynn is renowned for their work in xenolinguistics I do not doubt that I will find it, as you say, ‘fascinating’.” And Jim could feel the light affection flowing through their bond even if it did not show on Spock’s face. “If you wish I can ‘fill you in’ as you would say on the relevant information.”</p><p>“Sure Spock,” Jim agreed, settling back in beside him and cuddling up once more. “I may not be much of a language buff but you know I love to hear you talk.”</p><p>“Indeed.” And again there was that flow of affection and love and Jim knew they were thinking of the same moment: a backwater bartender pretending he knew nothing but blackholes just so he could sit and listen to the Vulcan he was serving go on and on, filling his afternoon shift with his beautiful voice.</p><p>————</p><p>The message came through mid afternoon on his comm and he couldn’t help but smile as he read through the block of text.</p><p>
  <em> ‘Nyota has invited me to attend a seminar today on the ethics and creation of uniform planetary languages. I felt the subject might also be of interest to you. Should you choose to come we may be able to strategically plan to run into one another.’ </em>
</p><p>He quickly typed back:</p><p>
  <em> Spock is this your way of asking me to meet your friend? </em>
</p><p><em> Perhaps. </em>Came the just as quick reply and Jim had to bite his lip to stop his laugh. No need to disturb his lecture and potentially piss off his professor.</p><p>
  <em> I’m looking forward to it, just leave everything to me. </em>
</p><p>————-</p><p>Uhura had been enjoying her time with Spock, she always did really, when an unwanted but far too familiar voice called out to her from the crowd of people leaving the auditorium. </p><p>“Hey! Uhura! Fancy seeing you here!” James T. Kirk called out to her and she couldn’t hold back a groan and a roll of her eyes. Where Jim Kirk was there was always trouble following soon after and she had seen one too many unexpected fights to expect anything else from Kirk. If anyone could figure out how to turn a quiet auditorium into an all out brawl it was him.</p><p>“Kirk,” She smiled with teeth, “what the hell are you doing here?” </p><p>“Isn’t it obvious?” He indicated to himself, popping a hip slightly in a ‘ya i know i’m sexy’ way, “I came for the seminar. Really interesting stuff right?”</p><p>“<em> You </em> came for a linguistics seminar?” She asked skeptically, refusing to look the man over and give him the satisfaction. Much to her mortification though she could see <em> Spock </em> give Kirk a once over from the corner of her eye. Oh <em> hell </em>no! </p><p>“Well, I mean,” He shrugged, leaning his weight on his other hip and Uhura could see Spock’s eyes physically follow the sway of the other man's hips. <em> No way! </em> “I <em> am </em> planning on becoming a starship captain and anything ethics related really is something I should know. Besides, I <em> am </em> allowed to have multiple interests.” He winked and she <em> knew </em> that that was supposed to be a double entendre as Kirk turned towards Spock with that all too familiar flirtatious grin, “And <em> hello </em> tall dark and very handsome.” he purred and Uhura wanted to hit him. How could Kirk even have the audacity to approach a <em> Vulcan </em> like this. Humans were one thing, but a <em> Vulcan? </em> What was Kirk <em> thinking </em> !? She had to put her foot down before things turned south like they <em> always </em>did with Kirk. </p><p>“Kirk!” she hissed, stepping forward to try and put herself between her date and Kirk. “can you go <em> five seconds </em>without flirting? Besides it’s-“</p><p>“I am Spock.” Spock speaks up from behind her and she turns in surprise to see him holding up a ta’al, “You must be Cadet James T. Kirk. Captain Pike has spoken of you often.”</p><p>As Uhura’s jaw drops open she sees Kirk in turn smile widely, “only good things I hope~?” He winks before bursting out laughing as Spock, much to Uhura’s shock, simply just answers with a blunt “No.” She looks between the two of them, the way their eyes are gazing at each other and she suddenly feels small and like she has become a third wheel on her own date. It’s...not a good feeling and makes her heart clench. It took her <em> month </em> to get Spock to open up even a little to her, how has Jim Kirk managed it in minutes? It makes no sense.</p><p>“So hey.” She hears him say as if from a distance and he is still looking at Spock and there is, there is <em> something </em> there and she is a linguist. She can understand multiple languages even physical ones and the way Jim is looking at Spock is-is- </p><p>His eyes suddenly find hers instead and whatever spell was going on is broken and his usual cocky grin is back in place as he pats her shoulder, “I was about to run and grab some dinner. It would be great to be able to chat with someone about the seminar. You guys up for some food?”</p><p>“Vulcans are vegetarian-“ Uhura starts, but she is still in shock, still trying to process too much information too fast like those few moments when she hears someone speak a new language she has never heard before but just knows she <em> has </em>to listen and learn and before she can properly turn him down Kirk is just pushing one, buldozing through her defenses like he always does. </p><p>“Perfect!” He smiles, “I know just the place! You guys like Italian?”</p><p>————</p><p>“I apologize. It is Captain Pike. I must take this.” Spock says before standing and leaving to a quieter portion of the restaurant that they had gotten to about twenty minutes before. Both Jim and Uhura watch him go, Jim <em> probably </em>a little too fondly but he had been having a blast tonight being able to go out with his husband like this. It’s been a while since they have managed to find this kind of excuse to ‘randomly meet’ and spend time together in any kind of public space. </p><p>Still, even here he could feel unwanted eyes on him. How much of that was paranoia and how much of that was actually true he didn’t know. He didn’t like being watched when he wasn’t purposefully putting on a show and deciding what others got to see of him. It was why so much of who he was in public was just that: a show. He knew Spock was the same, though in a very different sense. Where Jim was loud and brash Spock was silent and harsh. Both of them had responded to being constantly watched and judged in different ways, but it was all the same in the end. Masks upon masks upon masks that they hid behind.</p><p>He was brought out of his contemplations by an angry hiss from next to him and he turned to see Uhura leaning closer to whisper angrily at him “what the hell do you think you are doing Kirk?! Did someone put you up to this?!”</p><p>Uhura’s accusation and anger were so startling that Jim actually couldn’t come up with a quick response, simply sitting back in his chair and watching her with confusion as he tried to figure out what he <em> was </em> doing because he was pretty sure they had all been enjoying dinner just a few moments ago. “I-what? A dare for <em> what </em>? Uhura what are you talking about?”</p><p>“Oh don’t try the innocent act on my Kirk.” She accused, still close and whispering and Jim realized that she probably didn’t want to make a scene. That or she didn’t want Spock to hear. Spock <em> did </em> have really good hearing even across a crowded restaurant. “I know you well enough by now and I’m not blind.” She went on, “I <em> know </em> how to read body language and your’s has been screaming ‘seduction’ all night! And if you think I’m going to just sit idly by and let you steal my boyfriend while I’m sitting <em> right here- </em>“ But Jim had stopped listening, his mind going blank and ears filling with static at Uhura’s words. He felt his pulse jump and his breathing pick up and he-</p><p>-he reached out for the bond, caressed it gently, letting it comfort him. He felt Spock reach back, confusion from his own end and worry once he felt Jim’s anxiety spiking. </p><p>Jim opened his eyes back up, not realizing he had closed them and looked over at Uhura who, while still angry, was also  starting to look a little worried. Probably because he looked like he was panicking. Because he was.</p><p>And then Spock was back, also looking worried and Jim could <em> feel </em> Spock’s shields failing as he looked at him and so Jim pushed <em> comfort comfort I’m okay </em> at him as much as he could as he stood, keeping distance between them so Spock wouldn’t give anything away. So Spock would give in and do anything that they would both regret later. He couldn’t do this right now. He needed out.</p><p>“Sorry Spock. Uhura. I just remembered an assignment I’ve got to turn in in a few hours. I’ll see you guys around.” He saluted lazily, giving both of them a smile that did not reach his eyes before leaving, only just keeping himself from running until he was out of the door. His fight and flight had kicked up and he needed to <em> run </em>.</p><p>Spock had yet to sit down as he watched Jim leave, his own mind tracking his husband's mood through the bond. He wanted to run after him, find out what had happened, but from what he knew of Jim he knew the other would not be ready to talk for quite a few hours and that, right now Jim needed to feel like he was in control and Spock following after him and trying to comfort him would only take that control away from him. It was best to wait.</p><p>He turned back to the table and looked at Nyota who was also watching where Jim had vanished in concern and confusion. He looked down at their table where their food was. Jim had only eaten a small portion of his meal. Spock would have to find an excuse to take it to go. Jim would only panic more when he realized he had left food to waste.</p><p>After a moment he sat back down in his chair and drew Nyota’s attention back to him. “Nyota? What happened?” </p><p>“I-“ she stuttered then stopped. It was obvious that she too was compromised from </p><p>whatever had gone on between her and Jim as well. “He was hitting on you all night.” She said a little sheepishly, “and I <em> know </em> how Kirk is and how he leads people on. I was just warning him off. I didn’t expect him to react like that.” She admitted, her gaze going back to looking outside as if Jim would appear once more at any second but Spock could feel the distance growing between the bond and he knew Jim would not return. “I honestly just expected more of his ‘cocky kirk’ persona. I...really don’t know what set him off.” She answered, biting her bottom lip and again looking to the door with worry. </p><p>“I’m sorry Spock I…think I need to get going too. It was...well. Sorry.”</p><p>Spock too watched her leave and turned back to the table. There were eyes upon him now. People having found their excuse, as they always did, to stare. He took a moment to strengthen his shields but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was, once more, being judged and found lacking.</p><p>————</p><p>“Hey. I’m sorry-Uhura!” Kirk exclaimed, seeming startled by her presence at his door. She seemed to be doing that a lot to him tonight. “I um...I wasn’t expecting you.”</p><p>“Ya I...know.” he said lightly, shuffling from foot to foot. She wasn’t actually bad at apologizing. Hell she had taken a whole class that essentially boiled down to ‘how to apologize for your captain's stupidity in order to prevent a war’. This was different though. This felt oddly personal in a way she hadn’t expected. Maybe it was the open look in Kirk’s eyes, like he had forgotten to put on one of his trademark masks when he had answered the door and now she was faced with the truth he always hid underneath. </p><p>It was...shockingly intimate and it set her on edge. “I just...look,” She started, pushing through her own discomfort and reminding herself that she was here to be the bigger person and to fix their bridge. As much as she and Kirk antagonize each other she didn’t <em> hate </em> him and she didn’t think he hated her either. “I know I was a little harsh back there. My emotions were running a little high and I just...did I say something wrong?” She asked, looking genuinely worried, “I was kind of expecting your usual Kirk sass back and, you know, your flippant attitude but you…” She waved a hand, “you just...shut down. I know what a panic attack looks like and I know I did something to trigger it. I just...wanted to apologize and...I know I have no right to know what I said wrong but if you ever want to tell me I’ll try to avoid saying it again.”</p><p>Jim smiled sadly at her and it was her first time ever seeing a smile like that on his face. She had the odd thought that, even though it was a more genuine emotion then she had really ever seen on Kirk’s face, that it didn’t fit there. She knew then that he wasn’t going to tell her but, as her gaze moved up to his eyes they warmed just a little and there was also something there that said she was forgiven and that he knew she didn’t mean to hurt him.</p><p>“I can’t Uhura. Not...not right now.” he confessed, leaning heavily against his dorm door. “Maybe not for a while but look. Maybe we can grab coffee sometime?” He offered gently, as if she might scare off with his words, “Just as friends. To, you know, clear the air? I know I come off as an ass but…”</p><p>Uhura held up her hand but smiled, genuinely and softly, “You come off as full of yourself Kirk, but you're not an ass. Even I know you’re genuinely a good guy under all that bravo you put on.” She lowered her hand and straightened up a little, she could read a dismissal in his body language and she knew it was time to go. “I think Coffee could be...good.”</p><p>“Good.” he agreed, straightening out himself.</p><p>“You sure you’re going to be okay?” She asked, one more time just to be sure and <em> there </em> was that smile again, that one that she could never actually decide if it was real or fake as it stretched happily across his face and reached his eyes. The one that screamed he was about to cause some mischief.</p><p>“Ya. Ya I’ll be fine. After all, I’ve got my roommate here to fuss over me all he likes. ISN'T THAT RIGHT BONES!” he yelled back loudly into his room where there was the sound of a groan and a thunk and then:</p><p>“SHUT THE FUCK UP JIM AND LET ME SLEEP I HAVE TO BE AN THE HOSPITAL IN THREE HOURS!”</p><p>“See? I’ll be fine.” he insisted turning back to her and she bit back a smile of her own</p><p>“Well alright. Good night Kirk.”</p><p>“Good night...Nyota.”</p><p>She watched the door close between them with her mouth half hung open before yelling at it “Oh my GOD KIRK YOU ASS!”</p><p>————</p><p>“Jim.” Spocks voice was gentle as he opened the door nearly half an hour later to the sight of his husband carrying a bag of to-go boxes. Jim looked at them before letting out a soft sigh and slumping just a little. He hadn’t recovered enough yet from his first bout of anxiety to even remember the food he had left behind. As always though, or at least for the last four years, Spock had remembered for him. </p><p>“Hey Spock.” He smiled softly and indicated indoors. “You’re just in time. Bone’s is going to be waking soon and I just bet you’ll be his best friend if you let him have some of those leftovers.”</p><p>“As I do not want the Doctor as any kind of friend it can then be hypothesized that, should I purposely keep the food from him, that he will become my enemy.” Spock answered as he stepped inside, letting himself feel warm at the way his words caused affection and joy to flow between them. It didn’t last long though and by the time Spock had set the to-go boxes down on the small table in front of the couch and taken a seat upon it next to Jim his husband was once again projecting hesitancy and anxiety.</p><p>“Spock I...I really don’t know where to even start to explain.” He finally said after a long moment of silence. Spock reached out and gently placed his hand over Jim’s, both to kiss him gently and also to contain the way he was fidgeting with a loose thread on the couch. </p><p>“It is perhaps best to start with what Nyota said to you once I left.” He prompted gently. They both knew that, if Spock did not make Jim talk about this now that they would <em> both </em> bury the issue until it was too late and it festered into a fight. They had learned that lesson the hard way one too many times but it had been necessary in order to learn how to be together. Their bond only eased communication so much. </p><p>“Look I…” he watched as Jim bit his bottom lip and he squeezed Jim’s hand in comfort, waiting patiently, “I hate to bring this up because, well, damn it. I know you're enjoying your time with Uhura. I know you like having someone to go to all those events with and having someone that you can be <em> out </em> with - and don’t try to deny it I can feel your emotions - but I...I am.” He took a shuttered breath, “I am being stupid.”</p><p>“You are jealous?” Spock guessed but no, that didn’t seem to be it. He still wasn’t very good at understanding and labeling emotions but he was almost certain that the emotions going through Jim were not jealousy. </p><p>“No. No Spock that’s not it. I mean, I do enjoy the few occasions we’ve been able to be out together but I’ve never needed or wanted that, especially given who we are. You know I prefer being alone with you. It’s just...Spock,” he sighed, turning to look at him with pleading eyes, “have you ever been on a standard human date?”</p><p>Spock blinked slowly “I do not believe so,” He confessed, “I met you soon after my arrival to earth and neither of us are inclined to, as you already stated, take part in activities that pertain to a ‘standard human date’.”</p><p>“Ya. That’s what I’m worried about.” Jim said, turning his hand over to lace their finger together and bring it up to his chest, cradling Spock's hand in his “Spock,  Uhura thinks you guys are dating.”</p><p>Spock blinked, slowly and carefully. He knew his husband was not lying, that he would not lie about this, but it didn’t make sense with what he knew of his friend. “Cadet Uhura is a frank and straightforward woman.” He stated in confusion, “I find it startling that she would think us to be in such a situation without having first clarified her intent towards me.”</p><p>“Ya but,” and here he sighed, looking away nervously, “the thing spock: both of us really fucking sucked at ‘standard romantic relationships’. Even now. I mean for you it’s the whole ‘not part of Vulcan Tradition’ thing but for me...well.” he flinched and Spock moved a little closer to comfort him, “Anyway. You don’t have the experience and <em> I </em> don’t have the experience so you couldn’t even pick up anything from there and, well, what I’m getting at is, Spock. I don’t know if <em> either </em> of us would recognize someone trying to, you know, ‘take it slow’.”</p><p>Spock swallowed but nodded. He wasn’t too sure what to do in this situation. He wasn’t even completely sure how he had gotten into it besides trying to make a friend. Perhaps he had been mistaken in even trying. </p><p>“That is not the only thing that is bothering you is it?” He asked after a long moment of silence after they had both gotten lost in their thoughts. Jim took a sharp breath beside him and shook his head likely, not a response though: it was what Jim did when he was trying to clear thoughts from his mind. </p><p>“No but the rest of it is just my insecurities turning their ugly head again.” He admitted with a slightly bitter laugh. “I know you didn’t mean to do this. I know you didn’t know that she...how she was reading your interactions. Hell, even if we didn’t have the bond I would know that It’s just...sometimes it's difficult to remember that there is someone in this world that actually wants someone as messed up as me. Especially when someone like Uhura is up for grabs.”</p><p>Spock squeezed Jim’s hand tighter at that and, when that did not seem to be enough he scooted closer and instead wrapped Jim in his arms, pulling him into a hard hug. “I chose you Jim because I knew, even after three days, that I could not be without you. That you and you alone are the other half of my very soul.” He told him softly, “I would choose no one else but you. There can be no one else but you.” he whispered into his hair, pressing a kiss to the top of Jim’s head as he did so. </p><p>Through the bond he could still feel Jim’s insecurity and worry, his doubt and fear, but unlike the first time this had happened Spock knew that it was not a reflection of his inadequacy as a spouse, but instead a reflection of the pain in Jim’s past. There was little he could do to alleviate what Jim’s past had done to him, the cracks that it had created in his mind, all he could do was love Jim through it. Fully and completely. </p><p>One day those cracks might heal. One day Jim might believe him when he said he wanted him and only him. One day Jim might stop waiting for Spock to find something better and leave him behind. Or he might not. It would not matter, healed of broken Spock would love him, to do otherwise would be to sacrifice his own life.</p><p>“Would you like me to stay Jim?” He asked gently after another long moment of simply holding Jim tightly.</p><p>He felt Jim shift in his hold and Spock let him go enough that they could once more meet each other's eyes. “You know you are always welcome here.” He replied and Spock sent warm affection through the bond to him as he let Jim move away once more.</p><p>“While I understand the sentiment behind your words they are factually untrue.” He told him simply and he saw Jim’s eyes jump to the leftovers still sitting on the coffee table. “The good doctor has expressed on multiple occasions that he does not appreciate my presence in your shared quarters. I believe his exact words were ‘If you don’t stop coming around here every other day for a booty-call I’m going to start hypoing you in your ‘green ass’’” </p><p>His words seemed to catch Jim by surprise because he burst out laughing. Spock let himself feel a rush of affection at seeing it and even McCoy’s angry yelling from the other side of the room divider to ‘keep it down!’ did not ruin the moment. </p><p>Perhaps he would offer the Doctor some of the leftover food, if only to thank him for the quote that got Jim to laugh once more. </p><p>————</p><p>Uhura sat nervously across from Spock at the small cafe he had brought them to. She held her cup of coffee close and though Spock’s face gave nothing away she knew that she was in for a Talk with a capital ‘T’. </p><p>Spock had asked her to join him after their class that afternoon and, while it was not uncommon for them to spend time after call together, often to grade or to grab a quick lunch, it <em> was </em> uncommon for them to go somewhere quite so out of the way and empty. And the place <em> was </em> empty. She had to wonder how Spock had even found it though given the other patrons were all non-human she guessed that it must have been recommended to him by Starfleet's multicultural division. The place was certainly built with privacy in mind.</p><p>She was pulled from her observations as Spock suddenly sat up a little straighter as he placed his cup of tea down with a ‘clink’ against its saucer which sounded louder than it should in the cafe.</p><p>“It has been brought to my attention that I have misinterpreted the purpose of our outings.” He said, suddenly formal in a way that he hadn’t been around her in a number of months and Uhura felt herself tense at it. “I wish for clarification. Were the purpose of our outings over the past seven point three-five months meant to be classified as a terrain ‘date’ of a romantic nature?”</p><p>Uhura felt her heart sink, her stomach suddenly turning and she had to push her coffee away, the small of it making her nauseous. “I had not realized my intent was unclear.” She started slowly, taking a breath through her nose. Spock’s face gave her nothing to work with. He had closed himself off once again. “The...first few were not but when I asked if you would like to accompany me to the ‘Art of Language’ exhibit at the cultural history museum I had thought…” She shook her head, “I called it a date. I realize now that I should have been more specific.” </p><p>“The fault is on both of us.” Spock said, and his voice seemed a little gentler as he said it, as if seeing her discomfort. “Vulcans do not have a concept of dating and I had never been exposed to it before outside of the few instances in which I have observed others. Our own ‘dates’ did not bear any resemblance. I had not thought to make the association.”</p><p>She kept herself from fidgeting, just barely. There was only one question she needed answered now. She was aware already what the answer would be but she needed to hear it from his mouth. “So I take it that you are not interested in dating me?”</p><p>“No.” He replied, cleanly and clearly and Uhura knew there was nothing more to say, except, apparently there was. “Though my husband has advised me this morning to speak to you at length about the possible continuation of our friendship in light of recent events.”</p><p>She blinked. She opened her mouth and closed it. She watched him intently before finally she could speak. “You’re husband. You’re married.”</p><p>“He was also specific,” He went on as if she hadn’t just spoken, “that I should state as much. He informed me that the knowledge of the permanence of our bond would likely be a factor in your decision.”</p><p>“My decision.” She said slowly, still trying to process the fact that Spock was <em> married </em>that she had to backtrack in her mind to try and figure out what decision she was supposed to be making. “On the...continuation of our friendship?” She asked after a long moment.</p><p>“It would, of course, be a purely platonic venture,” He further clarified as if ‘friendship’ did not cover that already. “As I am married a ‘friends-with-benefits' situation would not be welcome.” which had Uhura sputtering because, <em> okay ya </em> that explained why he felt the need to clarify ‘platonic’ but who the hell had taught Spock about friends-with-benefits?!</p><p>Wait a second. </p><p>“Oh my God!” She yelled, looking at him with what she knew must be close to horror as all the pieces clicked into place. “It’s Kirk!”</p><p>Spock blinked at her. And then blinked at her <em> again </em> which she knew meant that she had really surprised him but what the hell had he expected? She wasn’t an idiot and she could put the events of last night and this afternoon together easily enough. Hell she probably would have put them together sooner if she hadn’t been so shocked at finding out Spock was <em> married </em>.</p><p>“Oh God.” She realized with horror. “I told him we were dating last night. I told him you were my boyfriend. I made your husband think you were <em> cheating on him!”  </em></p><p>Spock turned away slightly at that and she could see, somewhere in his expression that he was ashamed.</p><p>“Spock.” She pushed on, “Why didn’t you <em> tell me!?” </em>She all but begged because this wasn’t just an ‘accidental misunderstanding’ any more, this was a ‘I almost ruined a marriage’ misunderstanding. “I know you are a private person Spock, and I respect that, but you two purposefully pretended not to know each other! Why would you do that?!” </p><p>Spock was still not meeting her eyes as he answered “We do not wish for it to be published. I do not know if you can fully understand but with who he is and with who I am we...are often not given the privacy either of us wish.” </p><p>She sat and thought about that for a moment before slowly nodding. She supposed she could see that. Could see how tabloids would just eat up the story of James T. Kirk, son of the Hero George Kirk, marrying the only Half-Human Half-Vulcan hybrid in existence. And that wasn’t even taking into account that Spock was the first Vulcan to ever turn down the VSA, the first Vulcan to ever join Starfleet.</p><p>She remembered the tabloids when it had gotten out that Jim had joined Starfleet. She remembered rolling her eyes at it and thinking it so damn stupid. She also remembered thinking that Jim must have been relishing in the publicity but looking at Spock now, looking at the lengths these two had gone through to keep their relationship quiet, she suddenly knew she was wrong. She was starting to wonder, too, if she even knew Jim Kirk at all. </p><p>“I think I understand.” She finally admitted, slumping slightly back in her chair, “But then I still don’t understand what last night was about. If you two didn’t want to be associated with each other in public, why risk last night.”</p><p>“I-” Spock started and paused, seeming to recalculate his words before finally looking back at her, “I wanted my husband to meet my friend.” </p><p>Uhura felt her heart fill back up at that. It still hurt from his rejection earlier but, after this conversation, she also realized just how much it meant that he had wanted her to meet Jim, and that wasn’t even taking into account how much it must have hurt his Vulcan side to admit to wanting anything at all. </p><p>“I think.” She said after a long moment as she pulled her slightly cooler coffee back over to her “that I would be honored to be your friend.” She said, letting a genuine smile come to her face, “And yes. Just the platonic kind.” she teased, though if Spock picked up on that she couldn’t tell. </p><p>What she could tell though was that Spock was definitely trying to hide some kind of emotional response in his tea cup at her words. </p><p>“So,” She said lightly, “how long have you been together?”</p><p>“four years and seven months and twenty-six days”</p><p>She nearly spit out her coffee, “I’m sorry, <em> what!?” </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Pike</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Spock and Jim have a fight and Pike finds out</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>
  <span>CHAPTER 3: CAPTAIN PIKE</span>
</h3><p>
  <span>He needed to speak with Pike. While he would have preferred to do so when they arrived back to earth the academy was already pushing the issue of his next-semester course assignments and so he has no more time to put it off. He couldn’t help the slight agitation as his husband for putting them both into this situation but: kaiidth, What is, is, and he could no more change his husbands stubbornness then alter the orbit of a planet around its sun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain Pike, if your schedule permits it I require a moment of your time.” He managed to say, cornering his Captain just for a moment before he left the bridge. Captain Pike had been commissioned for a half-year training mission, the kind that was mostly used to bring new graduates up to speed and to allow new recruits to experience life in space. Spock was often assigned to such missions alongside Captain Pike. Although his usual first officer had not been able to join them as she had taken a two year mission in deep space instead. Spock found he noticed the missing presence of Number One on the bridge in the wistful way the Captain often looked at the helm. Her absence was felt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve always got room in my schedule for you Spock.” Pike told him with a warm smile, “Come with me to my quarters?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock inclined his head in agreement as they were both now off shift and followed his Captain into the turbo lift. The silence following was comfortable and Spock was confident that, come assignments for the Enterprise, he would be selected as one of its officers. He was also confident that Jim, too, would be assigned to the ship. He knew that Pike had personally recruited his husband and had taken an odd role in his life. As such he was certain that Jim would get a posting once the ship was ready in a year's time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had never had the chance to serve with Jim and he found the prospect appealing. While long distance meant very little when their minds were bonded Spock often found himself hypothesizing about what it would be like to be able to explore the stars like this with Jim. The one opportunity they had had, when Jim had been assigned to a semester internship upon the Farragut, Spock had already agreed to teach classes which he could not simply abandon. Given that this had taken place Jim third and fourth quarter at Starfleet the distance hadn’t been as distracting as it was now. They had still been used to only physically seeing each other once every handful of months. With this current assignment though they had gotten used to seeing each other very nearly daily and Spock found himself unexpectedly noticing Jim’s absence nearly fifty-times more than usual and reaching for their bond an average of twenty-five more times a day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So yes, the prospect of having Jim with him on the Enterprise was an appealing one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that was not, exactly, why he was here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have a seat,” Pike said as he motioned to the chair in front of his desk and moved over to his replicator, putting in for a couple cups of tea. “What can I help you with Mister Spock, I hope things in the science labs are going well?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are, indeed, ‘going well’ as you say. Though such a measurement is severely inaccurate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike just huffed out a laugh at that and handed over a cup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So if you are not here about the science labs, what are you here about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock looked down at his tea and thought. His argument with Jim not exactly fresh in his mind but present enough. He had warned Jim that he would have to do this should he continue to insist on re-taking tho Kobayashi Maru and that it would indeed risk Jim’s personal wish to be assigned to the enterprise, not because of his relationship with Spock, but out of his own merit. Spock had hoped that, since logic had already failed, that appealing to his husband's competitive side and ‘need to prove himself’ would win out for the larger prize of a starship and he would put aside his irrational need to beat an unbeatable test. It had been a miscalculation on Spock’s part as Jim had simply gotten that hard look in his eye and told him to ‘talk to Pike’ before hanging up on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock knew that all their careful planning was for naught the moment his screen went dark. Jim was meant to take the test while Spock was out on assignment which would therefore have negated the need to inform their superiors as to why he could not proctor his own exam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What he and Jim both had failed to account for was Jim’s own stubbornness and insistence on taking the exam </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span> the next quarter after he had failed to beat the test the first time. Spock knew he should have seen it coming, after all he knew the test was unbeatable even if he could not tell Jim that. He doubted Jim would have appreciated learning that information anyway and would, likely, have simply taken the fact as a greater challenge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That had been a month ago and while they had talked since they had both studiously avoided the topic. Perhaps, Spock admitted, he had hoped his husband would come to his senses. It was illogical, given what he knew of Jim, but he had waited until the very last moment to address the issue and so: here he was. He could only hope that Pike’s supposed affection towards him might allow Spock to convince his Captain to keep his marriage off the public record.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am here about the current commissions for next quarter.” He explained clearly enough, just as he had rehearsed. “I cannot accept the position as a proctor and programmer for the Kobayashi Maru this upcoming academic semester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike looked at him, surprised and a little suspiciously, “...well this is...sudden. Spock, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> test. You created it. Did something happen?” He prompted, putting his tea down on his desk, “have you been offered a ship commission I don’t know about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not as such.” Spock reassured him, they both had an unspoken understanding that Spock was waiting for the Enterprise's completion with the promise of the Head Science Officer waiting for him. “But due to starfleet regulation I will not be able to work or grade the test this next quarter as my husband is slated to take it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...I’m...I’m sorry. Did you just say </span>
  <em>
    <span>husband?!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did hear me correct, Captain. And while the correct term would be ‘bondmate’, the term ‘husband’ is not inaccurate,” he paused as he let Pike gape at him for a moment, sipping his own tea as he waited for the information to sink it. This was the third time he had informed anyone of his status as married and he was starting to register a pattern in the reactions he received.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there something wrong?” he finally asked as an adequate amount of time had passed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there something wrong?!” Pike sputtered across from him, “Spock! Since when have you been married?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have been in a bonded marriage for the last five years, two months and eleven earth days.” He had found, in his time with humans, that in situations such as these they did not require exactitude and so he left off the ‘sixteen hours and fourteen point three six minutes’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once again Pike was reduced to silence and Spock simply sat and drank his tea, once more counting down in his mind for when it would be appropriate to bring Captain Pike back into the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>———</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a lot that could be said about Pike. He was a great leader, good under stress and unexpected situations, and he was a great people person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sadly all of those talents seemed to suddenly be lost to him at Spock’s very sudden and unexpected confession.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Dear god’, Pike thought, he knew the kid wasn’t, well, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>kid</span>
  </em>
  <span> but he had taken Spock under his wing almost as soon as he had joined Starfleet, the Admiralty having informed him to keep an eye on the one-and-only-so-far Vulcan to join Starfleet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The one-and-only which meant that, if Spock’s husband was in Starfleet, which he obviously was, then that meant Spock wasn’t married to a Vulcan. Had been married to a non-Vulcan. For over five years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How had he missed this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike slumped back in his seat like some kind of marionette. “Over five years.” He breathed, watching Spock sit up a little more across from him and put his tea down, “Spock, you arrived on </span>
  <em>
    <span>earth</span>
  </em>
  <span> barely five yours ago!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are correct.” Spock said from across from him, looking calm as ever “I arrived on earth five years, four months, and twenty three days ago. Though I do not believe that this information is relevant to my current request.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not relevant?! Spock! You got </span>
  <em>
    <span>married</span>
  </em>
  <span> nearly one month after getting to earth!” Pike said quickly, leaning back forward with passion as if his movements could put emphasis on the fact that this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> relevant information.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is a very rough approximation of the timeline,” Spock responded evenly, the only indication that Pike’s outburst had done anything to him was the slight raise of an eyebrow. “but you are, nonetheless, relatively correct.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why was I not informed sooner?” and Pike didn’t like to think that his voice carried a hint of betrayal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The information was not pertinent until today.” was SPock’s simple response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Until today.” Pike repeated, Sitting back one more in his chair and running a hand down his face. “Because your husband is going to be taking the Kobayashi Maru this upcoming quarter and, per regulations, you cannot be involved.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is correct.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a long moment once more, needing to think. Needing to push past the part of his brain that was appalled at himself for not knowing this. Appalled at himself for not having Spock’s trust like he thought he had had, for maybe not knowing Spock at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the words ‘Kobayashi Maru’ and ‘upcoming quarter’ sank in with the thought of ‘Spock was smart enough to avoid this if he really wanted to not tell me’ and a feeling of dread began to sweep through him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>no.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Spock.” He said slowly, looking back up at him, “Who are you married to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is such information needed?” Spock pushed like Pike knew he would and he felt that dread grow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Needed? No. But it will be when ship assignments start to be made,” He pushed, because he needed to know, “and if your husband is in their last year then it’s going to become relevant pretty damn quick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock paused for a long second, obviously thinking over the logic in this, before saying evenly: “James T. Kirk”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>—-----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike needed a drink and he needed a drinking buddy. Thankfully Number One was available over the long range comms. Thank god for all starships running on the same time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spock.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Our</span>
  </em>
  <span> Spock?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmhmm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw her slump back in her chair staring at nothing. “I guess that explains why he wasn’t very receptive to Ltn. Giessler or Ltn. Eustis’s advances.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike groaned “I told Spock I wouldn’t put Kirk's name down on the record as his spouse. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yet.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But I needed to tell someone else. You can’t even imagine how shocked I was. Kirk, Number One! He is married to James T-for-Trouble Kirk!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” She started slowly, “we both have experience working with Spock and you can’t exactly tell me that boy isn’t a magnet for trouble-with-a-capital-T. Honestly we probably should have seen this coming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike groaned at that and slumped in his desk chair. She was right and sometimes he really hated when she was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls Spock’s commission for the Kobayashi Maru. Given that he was the head instructor on the test, after all he was the one who commissioned Spock to do it in the first place, he doesn’t really have to tell anyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>why </span>
  </em>
  <span>he decided to do so, but he did insist that Spock came to talk to him for some ‘clarifying points’ just in case. Mostly it was an excuse to get the answers to questions he should have asked the first time around but failed to because of, well, shock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Sorry, I'm not confused about the you marrying Jim Kirk part.” At least not any more. Well...mostly. “The kid’s smart and has a hell of a lot of potential. I always thought you two might get along. That or try to kill each other. I wasn’t entirely sure really…” he shook his head to clear the image of a house on fire, “I’m more confused about the part where you, apparently, married him in the middle of his self-destructive rebellious phase.” He went on, “I pulled that kid from a drunken bar fight Spock. Not exactly what I would label your ‘type’.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock raised a slow eyebrow at him “Vulcan ‘types’ as you say are dependent purely on the mind and the potential partners mental and psychic compatibility with our own mind. James T. Kirk’s status as a self-proclaimed ‘bad-boy’ at the time had little to do with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little is not none.” Pike’s mouth blurted before he could think better of it and only just held back a groan as Spock simply inclined his head and said simply: “as you say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock, apparently, liked bad-boys. He really didn’t think he wanted to know that fact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please continue Spock.” He said after a long moment of contemplating all of that and regretting it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“While my husband might not, at the time, have been what anyone would consider and ideal partner as he was a ‘rebel’,” he went on, “you might remember Captain: my own decision to join Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy was an act of rebellion.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. Great. They were still on the ‘bad boy’ thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spock you are one of our top graduates.” Pike sighed, looking at Spock across his desk in slight exasperation. “I very much doubt that you turning down the VSA in favor of Starfleet and Jim getting into bar fights every other night, not to mention his list of arrests and misdemeanors the length of my arm, are comparable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps not to humans.” Spock conceded but didn’t elaborate and so Pike was just left staring at him blankly. He tried to imagine Spock’s ‘rebellion’ from a human angle. He supposed the best comparison would be if Spock had run away from home after turning down the world’s best scholarship opportunity, joined the military, and proceeded to, apparently, get married to the first alien he came across.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So...okay. Maybe Pike could see how all of that was probably pretty damn rebellious, especially for a race of pacificts. But it was just a little hard to imagine his straight-laced rule-focused science officer as a rebel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do your parents know?” He had to ask and, by the way Spock tensed up he could already tell what the answer was. “Does </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jim’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>mom know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock was silent for a moment but his gaze was hard and Pike had a feeling he had stepped on a landmine. “No. They were not informed. As my husband would say, we did not feel that it was any of their ‘damned’ business.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike swallowed thickly at that and thought about Winona. About how she had been after George’s death. About the far away look in her eyes and the constant pain and how she just kept </span>
  <em>
    <span>going </span>
  </em>
  <span>through it all. How she just kept pushing and trying harder and forcing herself to move on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about Jim and that bloodied and bruised kid he had met at that dockside bar and the realization that it had taken him far too long to understand that Winona’s ‘moving on’ had also meant leaving her kids behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had looked so much like George. Pike thought that was probably what had condemned him in the end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cleared his throat and pushed a padd aside. “Well. Alright then.” He only knew a little about Spock’s own relationship with his parents, had never met them himself or talked to him, but if the situation was anything like Jim’s and Winona’s he wasn’t going to push. “Given the...delicacy of the situation Lieutenant Commander I will grant you your request to be removed from the Kobayashi Maru examination board. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That said Spock, you can’t keep your marriage to James a secret from StarFleet.” He went on “This has to go on your record. I’m...not going to force the issue now but it’s going to need to happen before he gets his first assignment if you two want to make sure you’re on the same ship. You understand that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand sir.” Spock replied but Pike knew Spock well enough to know there was a difference between Spock saying he understood something and that he was going to do it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed. Okay, maybe he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>see that ‘rebel’ in Spock after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So uh…” He switched topics after a moment, his curiosity getting the better of him, “off the record: how exactly did you two meet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock seemed to think about this again, likely deciding if he wanted to give Pike private information about his marriage before speaking up: “I believe that it is still common practice to take first year cadets to the shipyards is it not?” Spock asked and Pike nodded in confirmation, “I was selected to go to the Shipyard out in Iowa for the seven day excursion, after which I chose to use my three free days to further explore the small town nearby as it was my first time outside of San Francisco and the environment was drastically different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was during this free time that I met Jim.” And if Pike didn’t know better he could swear Spock’s voice got soft at the memory. “I had entered a bar, one of the few places to eat in the vicinity, where I had hoped to procure some food. Jim was the bartender on staff at the time. He was friendly and welcomed me in and, given the near empty venue of the bar, he spent the majority of his time conversing with me and answering my questions regarding the town and human culture. I will admit we ran into some unusual topics as time went on but needless to say I found that conversing with Jim was a far better use of my free time then further wandering the small town, especially once it became obvious that any information that I could need I could easily obtain from Jim himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When Jim’s shift ended he insisted we share a drink called a Cardassian Sunrise before he left for the night at which point he invited me to join him. I found no reason to deny him as, as I have already mentioned, I had found our conversation to be stimulating and Jim to be a highly intelligent individual. So I went home with him. After three days together Jim proposed and I agreed and proceeded to perform a bonding ritual for us; the Vulcan equivalent of marriage.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike had almost relaxed as Spock went on, seeing the obvious content in Spock’s features (not that he would tell Spock that) as he talked about Jim. As odd as this all was to him, he had to admit that seeing the tension Spock always seemed to hold drain away as he talked about his husband almost made Pike believe that Jim was good for Spock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the last part hit. “Did...you just say three days?” He asked in shock, “Did you say </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jim proposed?!</span>
  </em>
  <span> You have got to be joking!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Vulcans do not Joke.” Spock reminded him and Pike groaned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Three days.” He grumbled. He needed another drink stat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why the hell did you not recruit Jim to join you in Starfleet?” He asked after another hard mision where they both ended up in Pike’s cabin. Spock might not say it but after the day they had had he knew that Spock needed some companionship if only to take his mind off of everything that had happened. He had come to realize in the last few weeks that the best way to accomplish this was to ask Spock about his husband. It was honestly almost sweet if it wasn’t for the fact that he was being forced to use this information in a situation like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> curious as to why Spock had never recruited Jim into Starfleet himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Spock hesitate, as if the question were a particularly hard one to answer and, once he started to speak, his speech was slower than usual, as if carefully selecting each word.  “I am...acutely aware of what it is like to be pressured down a specific path just because it was what was expected of you.” It wasn’t the landmine question from last week Pike realized, but the answer was obviously a very personal one and Pike almost regretted asking it, but it was also obviously draining the tension of the day out of Spock’s shoulders so he couldn’t regret it too much. “Because of this I would never force Jim into the same situation. Jim’s decisions are his own, and while having him in San Francisco with me is greatly appreciated I will never expect nor want Jim to conform his lifestyle to my own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is very reasonable of you Spock.” Pike said, putting down a cut of tea in front of him as he poured himself some bourbon. He needed it today. “I’m sure Jim appreciates it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Along those lines Captain,” Spock went on, “Though Jim has told me not to barrate you about the issue should a meeting such as this ever come up,” and oh, Pike looked up and suddenly realized he was in for a lecture, “I must make you aware of the fact that I did not appreciate your manipulation of my husband's emotions in order to get him to enlist. While I do understand that Jim had his own motives for joining outside of your ‘dare’ I would hope that you would use such manipulations sparingly and preferably never again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pike cleared his throat at being lectured about </span>
  <em>
    <span>emotional manipulation </span>
  </em>
  <span>from a Vulcan and also from a lieutenants commander but he figured, well, he probably should have seen it coming. “I will endeavor to do so, Mister Spock.” He said but did not promise. He smiled and took a sip of his drink. They would be getting back to earth within the week, bar any further orders, and, well, he was very much looking forward to giving Jim a private call. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>———</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“JIM!” He yelled as soon as the comm was answered. “Why The HELL didn’t you tell me you were married?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim, for his part, has the audacity to just say “um. surprise?”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We are moving out of the happy-go-lucky kind of reveals now. the next ones are going to be...something if you haven't already picked up on that....</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Spock Prime</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Vulcan is being destroyed, everything is falling apart, and multi-universe theory is proven.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>INTERLUDE AND SPOCK PRIME</h3>
<p>Vulcan is sending out a distress call.</p>
<p>Jim has never been to Vulcan. Jim had, mostly jokingly, talked to Spock about going just for the scandal of it, but now Vulcan is putting out a distress call and the world seems like a slightly darker place and it was already so damn dark to begin with. </p>
<p>Things are moving too quickly for anyone, much less them to pause. He’s back in space after years and suddenly he is fighting with Pike because Pike is saying idiotic things like <em> going to the other ship </em> and “as you are my chef strategist I am making you Spock’s second in command. He’s going to need you.” which was stupid stupid <em> stupid </em> because <em> “as your chef strategist I am telling you going to that ship is a terrible strategy!” </em>And-</p>
<p>And then he is down in Vulcan's atmosphere and he can’t get the drill to stop, can’t turn it <em> off - </em> what even <em> is </em> this technology - and they are launching something <em> at the planet </em> and he is crashing into a transporter pad which is better then crashing onto the surface of Vulcan and Spock is demanding he be sent down and the bond is wide open and full of <em> panicpanicpanic </em> and then he’s gone and they are trying to drag Jim to the medbay but he can’t <em> leave- </em></p>
<p>Bone’s stays with him to monitor him and he’s pretty sure he’s got at least one broken rib but he lets his friend hover over him as he in turn hovers over the transporter controls and the Russian kid working telling him frantically: “you can’t wait for him to get to the beam out site. It might be too late by then!” And he’s forcing himself to track their bond. He’s always known he could do it, pinpoint exactly where Spock was but it doesn’t translate well to a physical map so he forces himself deeper, thinking, figuring out where Spock must be going and digging into memories, forcing the bond to bend to his will, to become more stable more solid so he can <em> know </em> so he can <em> see </em>and-</p>
<p>“There!” He says, more gasps as he’s got it, “The cave opening is <em> there, </em> these coordinates. I don’t care if you have to start transporting them while they are still running you got <em> me </em> out while I was falling. You <em> have to get them out! </em>” He’s begging, he’s desperate and begging and Bones is pressing a hypo to his neck for ‘shock and then-‘</p>
<p>And then Spock is on the transporter and him and the group of Vulcan's he has dragged along with him only just realize that there is no need to be running anymore and a woman is throwing her arms around Spock and Jim-</p>
<p>Jim sags against the transporter console and he doesn’t know if it's the hypo or the relief and he smiles up at his husband who looks like he is about to pass out. Jim is about to go to him when Bones, good old Bones, steps up and yells, “alright! All of you just hold still. Jim. Medbay <em> now </em> Doctor Chapel <em> please </em>make sure he gets there. You, Russian kid, get me some more medical staff down here stat-“</p>
<p>And then everything is rushing by again and there is some old Vulcan on the bridge who says he’s from the future and some other guy who really needs a towel and-</p>
<p>Spock is emotionally compromised and Jim hates to do this, hates it more than anything, but he tells himself he knew this was coming. That his relationship with Spock was too good to be true and that Spock would never forgive him for this but he has to confront him. He can feel the instability between their bond and-</p>
<p>“You’re not making your decisions out of logic Spock!” He yells from the relatively safe confines of the turbolift. It’s small though, so small, and there is no space to run, no space to hide. Not from this. “You’re making them out of pain and fear! You <em> need </em> to relinquish command!”</p>
<p>And Spock is angry,he is so so angry that now, of all times, Jim would force him to face his humanity but no, Jim realizes, that’s not it it’s-</p>
<p>“I will not force you to face this alone!” Spock yells right back at him and the turbo lift is soundproof but Jim can’t imagine that people outside can’t hear this, “I will not leave you, I will not abandon you!” And Jim’s not even sure if they are talking about command anymore but Jim <em> has to get Spock to see- </em></p>
<p>“It’s okay.” He says softly, reaching up to cup Spock’s cheek and the touch seems to startle something in his husband as tears start to flow down his face. “It’s okay Spock. I’ve faced worse alone. I can do this.”</p>
<p>And Spock, Spock doesn’t slump as Jim expects him to, doesn’t give into the logic that Jim must do this alone because he is always always alone at the end. No. He stands up straighter and takes a breath and looks Jim in the eye and says: “I will relinquish command but I will <em> not </em> leave you.” And that- it’s almost too much. Too overwhelming and they have been married for almost six years and Spock is promising to <em> stay </em> even after this and-</p>
<p>And then there is no more time to think and only time to act and Jim is in control now and he is terrified but he has trained for this he doesn’t know if he’s making the right choices but he doesn’t let himself second guess any of it - there is no time to - and Spock, his wonderful beautiful completely illogically-logical husband is right there by his side the whole time trusting him to get them through this, get them out alive. They are already shattered and there is no way for them to come out of this in one piece but he is not <em> alone </em> he has Spock but that’s not just it any more, it’s not just <em> them </em> anymore, it’s Bones and Uhura and they are going to go get Pike back, they <em> are </em> and the enterprise fades from view with Uhura’s words still ringing in his ear that ‘ <em> you better bring Spock back’ </em>which had pulled out a barked laugh from him as the Romulan ship appeared around them and-</p>
<p>And then it’s over. It’s over but it doesn’t feel like it. The burn of panic and adrenaline still flowing through him and he feels like he could stay awake forever only just as suddenly he’s crashing and the world is a blur, a real blur, and then-</p>
<p>It’s a week later and they are back on earth and Jim hardly had time to be with Spock or Bones or Uhura or Pike but he can feel his husband through the bond, strong and healthy and still shattered in a thousand ways but there and, for once, Jim starts to let himself believe that Spock might stay because, if he could stay with Jim through all of this then maybe, just maybe, he can stay through the rest.</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“I would advise you to re-think your decision to join the Vulcan colony.” His future self says and Spock blinks that slow blink that Jim says gives away when he is surprised.</p>
<p>“I do not understand. I had assumed that, in your universe, Vulcan was not destroyed. Is this not the case?” He asks, curious.</p>
<p>“Vulcan was still intact.” The elder confirms, also looking surprised by the line of questioning though Spock is unsure if it was because his elder self is projecting his own emotions more openly or because he was simply able to read himself easier<em> . </em></p>
<p>“Then why would you conclude that I have chosen to join the colony?” He inquires, tilting his head just slightly to the side to convey his curiosity “I have simply come here to assist with the launch and represent Starfleet in an official capacity. I have no reason to join the colony as my assistance would be put to better use in my continued work within Starfleet, and as my bondmate also intends to stay in Starfleet-“ He pauses. There is genuine surprise on his older self's face as he cuts in quite suddenly with a startled “bondmate? You mean T’pring.”</p>
<p>It is now Spock’s turn to contemplate the meaning of that question and he finds he does not like its implications. “I do not know if she lives but it would seem that our universes are different in far more ways than we have initially assumed. My bondmate is not T’pring but James T. Kirk.”</p>
<p>“Jim.” The other breaths out like a prayer and Spock feels something in him relax then, only slightly, perhaps there was something there then. “You are already bonded.” He goes on, confirming Spock's suspicions. If they were together in the other universe and here then obviously they were meant to be. “How?”</p>
<p>“When I turned down the Vulcan Science Academy in favor of Starfleet T’pring requested that I remove the bond between us.” He easily explains, “I consented, against our fathers wishes. Though at that time he had already disowned me and as such had no say in the matter. With that bond removed I was able to bond to whomever I wished. Jim was my choice.”</p>
<p>“You met him at the academy?” The older Vulcan asks and now he seemed happy in a way, though perhaps a little melancholy. </p>
<p>“No.” Spock says slowly, wondering at his elder self's life that they seem to be so different, “I met him in riverside, Iowa. He was working at a bar while I was there on a class excursion to see the construction of what would become the Enterprise.”</p>
<p>“That would have been our first year at the academy.” The elder says, looking down, thinking. “But then...you have been married to Jim for eight years?”</p>
<p>“Five years, eight months, and four days.” He corrects, “Tell me, I am finding it curious just how much seems to have changed between our universes simply at the death of George Kirk. If you did not meet Jim at the bar in Riverside how is it that you two met?”</p>
<p>“We did not meet until much later.” The other confesses and looks a little sad at the admission. “I remember that trip to Iowa, though at the time I was still bonded to T’pring but even if I wasn’t the Jim of my universe was not there. He had already joined Starfleet and was in his first year.” He pauses once more, though Spock is unsure if it is because he is remembering something of his own past or if it is because he is trying to figure something out. Finally he asks “You also seemed to have joined Starfleet later then I. If you don’t mind me asking, why was that?”</p>
<p>Spock tenses at this line of questioning. He does not enjoy speaking of the missing years in his records and less so explaining why they are missing. Still, this man is myself and if they are to understand the nature of their universes it is a necessary conversation to have. </p>
<p>“There were...disciplinary issues in my youth.” Spock admits tensely, “I was required to prove to a greater extent than most that I was in full control of my emotions, specifically my anger. I was sent to Gol for two years of training. It was this joined with my rather emotional rejection of the VSA that drove our father to disown me.” He forces himself to maintain eye contact with the other Vulcan and not turn away from their judgment. “I see now that I was lucky. In having been disowned I allowed me freedom to make my own decisions regarding my bond that you did not seem to have.” </p>
<p>He pauses before questioning. “in your universe our father did not disown you?”</p>
<p>The elder Spock thinks for a moment, “He was displeased with me,” He admits, “but he did not take such an extreme step as to disown me. Still, we did not speak to one another for many long years after the event.</p>
<p>In any case,” The elder goes on, “I did not seem to have had such a hard time with emotional control as you. I admit it is a curious difference.”</p>
<p>“Is it?” Spock asked lightly, shifting his stance lightly. In the back of his mind his bond with Jim thrums stronger than ever. Giving him a better explanation for the difference than any scientific reasoning could. “our soul is in two. Is it therefore not understandable that what happens to one half would affect the other? Your Jim had his father, something that mine did not. My Jim’s life was not kind to him, and has broken him more than he has ever deserved.” He explains, though he does not elaborate. Jim’s past is not his to share. “Even if we were not bonded until much later it is still logical to assume that the changes in Jim’s life, in his very soul, would affect mine as well.”</p>
<p>“You suggest an intrinsic connection between your soul and his, one that is capable of affecting us even before our meeting?” His elder asks and Spock nods.</p>
<p>“It is as likely a hypothesis as any.” he concludes, but is willing to admit that there are other explanations available. “There is of course the possibility that somehow the loss of the Kalven put increased strains on Vulcan-Human relations of course, leading to my experiencing greater prejudices then you.</p>
<p>“Perhaps.” The other agrees with a small nod, “Or perhaps you are right about our souls in regards to James T. Kirk.” there is a slight upturn of the others lips that, on a Vulcan, is the equivalent of a grin. It is not an expression that Spock has had much opportunity to observe on his own face. It is startling. “I had always found him to be a singularly illogical individual therefore it can be reasoned that anything involving him is equally illogical. Perhaps that is the simple truth of it. In which case I will bid you a goodbye and simply say: Good Luck, though with Jim Kirk at your side I do not think you will need it.”</p>
<p>“And to you.” He agrees, holding up the ta’al, “Perhaps one day you will tell me the story of how you and your Jim bonded?”</p>
<p>“Perhaps. But not today.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Notes: In my headcanon the Thyla bond is a three way bond that does not just come into existence as is, but instead is a bond that is built upon until all three layers are reached and only then is it Thyla.</p>
<p>In the Original series i imaging that Spock and Jim built the ‘friends’ part of it first, followed by the ‘Brothers in arms’, and lastly the ‘Lovers’ part. </p>
<p>But Jim and Spock in this story? Well they went about things a little backwards, starting with the ‘Lovers’ part of the bond, working their way to ‘Friendship’ after a few years, and what you just read above was the final piece falling into place, the ‘Brothers in arms’ in which the bond is forged and solidified in battle. </p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Amanda</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Spock realizes he can no longer keep this from his mother.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>CHAPTER 5: Amanda</h3>
<p>They don’t talk about family. </p>
<p>It was a sore subject for both of them and, with the number of melds they had had over the years they were both aware of why and so they did not feel the need to broach the subject or talk about it. They both knew they had complex and bad relationships with their families and that was enough.</p>
<p>Except now it wasn’t. </p>
<p>“They’re just coming out of the woodwork now aren’t they?” Jim grumbled, glaring at his inbox.</p>
<p>“I do not understand.”</p>
<p>Jim sighed and pushed his padd over to Spock so he could see the messages. </p>
<p>“Your mother.”</p>
<p>“And Sam. I suppose I should be glad that <em> Frank </em> hasn’t sent one.”</p>
<p>“You do not intend to open them.” It was a statement, not a question. Still Jim answered.</p>
<p>“Hell no! I haven’t spoken to any of them since I was sixteen and I’m not about to start now!”</p>
<p>Spock nodded in understanding and did the Vulcan equivalent of fidgeting which was going very very still.</p>
<p>“I also find myself in a similar predicament.”</p>
<p>Jim’s face softened and he looked at Spock. “Ya I...suppose nearly losing them might put ‘not talking to each other’ in a different perspective.”</p>
<p>“Yes...But it is not just that. They are here now, not just on earth but in San Francisco and while I kept regular communications with my mother they were structured and planned giving me time to prepare. Now…”</p>
<p>“Now she is inviting you out to lunch every other day?” Jim smiled knowingly.</p>
<p>“Indeed.”</p>
<p>Spock didn’t talk about it much and Jim was the last person to push, but he knew Spock’s interactions with his mother were always painful for him. Jim knew Spock loved her and, unlike Jim’s own relationship with his mom, he knew he didn’t resent her either. No, the hard part for him was the <em> shame </em> he felt when he looked at her.</p>
<p>It wasn’t his mom's fault. Jim knew she had tried, but every time Spock spoke with his mother he knew his husband was reminded of all the taunting words of his peers. He felt <em> shame </em>because he was half human and felt himself lacking, and then when he saw his mother he felt shame that he had felt shame at all for his human half. </p>
<p>And, whether Spock said it or not, he also felt shame for loving her and, by extension: Jim.</p>
<p>She had <em> tried. </em>Jim had to remind himself of that often when he had to deal with the fallout after each of Spock’s talks with his mother. The automatic distance that Spock put between them, the shutting down of emotions that Jim had to coax back out of him, the reassurances that he didn’t find Spock lacking in any way. That he wasn’t going to be reprimanded or his emotions.</p>
<p>She had <em> tried. </em></p>
<p>But he also couldn’t help but feel that she should have tried <em> harder.  </em></p>
<p>“Would it help if I was there with you?” He offered softly, “we have an excuse to be out together now. Or, if you want, you can tell her I’m demanding more of your time.” He offered, “I am your Captain now and we <em> do </em> have to go through the crew assignments.”</p>
<p>“I...will think on it.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t a yes or no, but it was good enough for now.</p>
<p>————</p>
<p>There was something new there to their bond. A strengthening. Where before there had simply been a marriage bond, now there was something forged in the heat and fire of battle. Their bond had always been strong, far stronger than any he had had with his family or T’pring, but now there was a sharpness to it, a solidity that had not been there before. He pressed a mental touch to it and felt Jim’s happy contentment. He had a stronger sense of it now, a strong sense of <em> Jim </em> and it made him think of their battle on Nero’s ship, how in sync they had become. How he could read Jim so perfectly as if they were truly of one mind and not simply bonded.</p>
<p>He moved away from their link, letting it settle as he let his mind move back to his meditation, letting the new solidity of his bond center him as he breathed. He needed that structure now, in a time when so much of his life had fallen apart. Where the pillars of himself had crumbled. His bond with Jim held, and from there he could start again.</p>
<p>————</p>
<p>“Perhaps we could go to Riverside.”</p>
<p>“Ya no.” Jim answers, swinging his legs off and over the bed to grab at his clothes. “Starfleet has called everyone back after this and that means my moms going to be back. I’m already being bombarded with messages, I'm not going somewhere she can find me easily.”</p>
<p>Spock leaned up and took a moment to appreciate Jim’s naked behind before it vanished behind a regulation pair of underwear. “Then perhaps there is a similarly remote location you had in mind?”</p>
<p>“Ya actually. You ever been to Yellowstone?” He asked, turning back around shirtless and Spock watched the way Jim paused as he got distracted by the way Spock was still sprawled in his bed. Spock knew he could probably coax Jim back into it but he had a meeting with the Admiralty soon and it would not do to make his bondmate late. “I was thinking we could rent out a cabin up there and hide away,” Jim finally went on, obviously thinking similarly, “until the brass figures out what they are going to do with us”</p>
<p>“Would the press not simply realize where we had gone to if we rented a place under either of our names?”</p>
<p>“Spock! What do you think I am? An amature? I’ll get us a place.”</p>
<p>Spock rose a brow at him skeptically “Very well. I trust that your methods will not be too illegal.”</p>
<p>“They won’t be if I don’t get caught.” Jim smirked.</p>
<p>Spock let out a small huff of air which was the closest he had ever come to an exasperated sigh. “There is another issue of course.”</p>
<p>“Oh? And what’s that?”</p>
<p>“My parents have chosen to stay upon Earth for the time being. Given my father’s profession it is imperative that he remain and help with communications between the new Vulcan colony and Sterfleet. As such my parents, more accurately my mother, will likely wish to know where I am going.”</p>
<p>His husband groaned at that, running a hand down his face. “What you mean is that she will most likely want to come along.”</p>
<p>“It is not a guarantee but given recent data it is a...high probability.” Spock acknowledged. </p>
<p>“You want to tell her.” He read further and Spock nodded slowly.</p>
<p>“It would be for the best. Under current circumstances I find it increasingly difficult to maintain our public distance.” He sifted finally to sit up, “If my mother were to accompany us as I expect she will want to, it would be impossible for me to, as you would say, ‘maintain the illusion of distance’.”</p>
<p>Jim nodded slowly and sighed, he knew, on some level, that they would have to ‘tell the family’ eventually but with Spock disowned and Jim having disowned his own family he had felt like that inevitably way decades away.</p>
<p>At least they got six years to themselves he supposed. And, well, there was something nice about hearing Spock admit he was having trouble <em> not </em> showing Jim affection.</p>
<p>“Alright. I trust you. But word of advice? Let’s keep the big reveal until we get to the cabin. I promise you the last thing we want is an awkward and tense hours-long car ride that none of us can escape from.”</p>
<p>Spock nodded again and reached out a hand to run over his in a Vulcan kiss. “As with all things emotional, I defer to your greater wisdom. I will go speak with my mother now. You will message me with information pertaining to our ‘escape’?”</p>
<p>“Ya Spock. I’ll get on that now. Off you go.”</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“You know Spock,” Jim prompted later, “you never did tell me why you never told your mom. Your dad I get but...I know you love her.”</p>
<p>Spock was silent for a long moment, collecting his thoughts before speaking them slowly. “Love is...a complicated thing I have found. My mother loves me. I know this and she has often told me that, no matter what I do, that she will be proud of me. I have found her words to be true.” He sighed as much as he could, “but she also loves my father and while I, too, understand this I also understood that anything I tell my mother would eventually also reach him.”</p>
<p>“Ya but he’s <em> disowned </em>you Spock.” Jim pushed just a little, “He couldn’t exactly do anything to us if he disapproved.”</p>
<p>“I am aware.” <em> But I was worried he would try. </em>Came the unspoken words between them and Jim didn’t know if it was through their bond or if Jim just knew his husband well enough but that was the truth of it. Even after all this time Spock’s fears still had a distinct Sarek shape to them.</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>When the drive up to the cabin is complete Jim knows he has run out of time. He looks at Spock before they get out of the car, communicating silently that it was okay. It was going to be okay. That he was here, and what ever happened he wasn’t going to leave.</p>
<p><em> You didn’t leave me alone on the bridge </em> he thinks, <em> even when you were falling to pieces you didn’t leave and I’m not leaving either. I’ll never leave, as long as you will have me. </em></p>
<p>He doesn’t know how much of that gets through, how much of that Spock understands, but he feels Spock cover his own hand on the controls between them and squeeze. They’ve got this</p>
<p>He takes a deep breath and gets out of the car, Spock following soon after.</p>
<p>“Is everything alright?” Amanda asks softly from where she had been waiting at the trunk of the rental.</p>
<p>“Everything’s fine ma’am.” Jim assures her, “just needed to steal your son for a second. Why don’t I help you with those?” He asks, indicating to Amanda’s bags.</p>
<p>“As I am the stronger of us it would be more logical for me to take my mothers luggage.” Spock says, coming around the back and reaching for his mother's bags. Amanda laughs lightly at the attention and simply hefts her bag higher.</p>
<p>“You boys are too sweet, but I’m not incapable of carrying this just yet. Besides; with earth's lower gravity I’m feeling particularly strong.”</p>
<p>Spock nods and Jim just smiles and backs away. “In that case Mr. Spock you can get <em> my </em> bags.” He winks, “and I’ll get us in the house. Mrs. Grayson, if you will.” He smiled, indicating for her to follow him as he makes his way to the front door.</p>
<p>Amanda laughs and follows him as they leave Spock to get the rest of the bags. “It’s so nice to see Spock getting along with someone.” She tells him, “I was so worried when he moved out here that he wouldn’t be able to make any friends.”</p>
<p>Jim smiles and it is a little strained on the edges. Friend. Right. He wonders how long it will be before Spock tells her and this whole thing goes to shit.</p>
<p>————</p>
<p>It turns out that the wait isn’t long at all. They have just gotten the bags into the house and Amanda had gone to the kitchen to see about getting some tea going, before Spoke had spoken up, very formally, saying: “Mother, before we continue the activities for the day I must inform you: James T. Kirk is not just my friend, he is my bondmate.” Which, well, is one way to break the news Jim supposes.</p>
<p>Jim watches the emotions flowing across Amanda's face, waits for the inevitable fall out, and is genuinely surprised when instead of anger her face lights up in pure joy.</p>
<p>“Oh! Oh Spock! I’m so happy for you! I had been so worried! I had thought-“ she sniffles as she turns back from the kitchen to instead go and hug Spock close. Jim watches awkwardly, thinking about making a quick escape before her attention is turning to him and she is opening her arms to him too. “Get in here. You’re part of the family now too.”</p>
<p>Jim hesitates But goes in. Hugging both of them and hiding his face in Spock’s shoulder. He does not say that Amanda is lying. Does not say that, with Spock’s disownment that there is no family to be a part <em> of </em>. All he says is “thank you ma’am.” And lets it sit at that.</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“You did not tell her how long we had been married.” Jim accuses softly that night as they cuddle together in bed, lights off and their breathing soft.</p>
<p>“No. I did not wish to ‘ruin the moment’.” Spock confesses</p>
<p>“She is going to start asking for details eventually Spock.” Jim tells him, it's meant to be a gentle warning, “Do you intend to lie when she does? Or are you planning on having me lie for both of us?”</p>
<p>Silence meets that question for a long time and Jim is close to sleep when the answer comes. “Right now it is likely that she assumes we met during the destruction of my home world. But, should she ask for further clarification I will not lie, i do not suggest that you do so either.”</p>
<p>Jim nods and sighs, “If that is really what you want Spock. She’s your mom and I’m out of my depths with this one.” Jim confesses, “If you want strategic withholding of information then strategic withholding of information it is. But she is going to be pissed off when she gets the whole story you know.”</p>
<p>“As her level of anger is unlikely to change no matter the length of time it takes her to get the whole story I find no reason to rush the confrontation.” Spock responds ever so logically. </p>
<p>“As you wish Mister Spock.” Jim gives in, “As you wish.”</p>
<p>Spock shifts slightly under him and he feels a press of lips to the top of his head. “You seem to have taken a liking to that title.” Spock says and it’s teasing, “Perhaps, Jim, you would like me to start referring to you simply as ‘Captain’?”</p>
<p>Jim snorts out a laugh at that and presses his face a little harder into Spock’s shoulder to stifle it, “Okay I get your point. Let’s try not to make a habit of it. At least not in bed. Could make interactions on the bridge pretty uncomfortable right?”</p>
<p>“Indeed.” </p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“So I take it you went about this the Vulcan way then?” Amanda asks him the next morning while he is making them all breakfast. Spock is still asleep but he has never been a morning person when he didn’t have to be. </p>
<p>“Hm? Oh, ya. Just seemed more efficient.” Jim tells her, trying to keep his words light as he flips the pancake he is making.</p>
<p>“I remember when Sarek proposed to me.” Amanda says a little wistfully and Jim has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from saying that he really doesn’t want to hear anything about Sarek ever again, “We had only known each other for one week and most of it through a conference we were both attending. Out of nowhere at the end of it He was asking me to marry him! I was so shocked!”</p>
<p>Jim hums noncommittally, “And yet you still said yes.”</p>
<p>“Oh no I didn’t.” Amanda laughs and Jim pauses, “I’ll admit that our dating period was still very fast comparatively but I needed more than one week to be sure about things.”</p>
<p>Jim turns to look at her, giving her a small smile “We had three days.” he confesses.</p>
<p>“Oh my. Well I suppose with everything.” She waves her hand, and Jim knows she is talking about the destruction of Vulcan and Nero, “Still, did you not feel it was a little fast? I certainly did when Serak proposed!” And he could see it then, what Spock saw in her, that love for her husband. The love that made him fear telling her about this, about them. The love that meant telling <em> Amanda </em> meant telling <em> Sarek </em> too.</p>
<p>“In truth ma’am, I proposed to him.” he told her, placing a stack of pancakes in front of her, “Once I had felt him in my mind I knew there was no going back. He was, is, everything that completed me in ways I didn’t even know I needed to be completed. He…” he stopped to think for a long moment because to say ‘he made me better’ would be a lie. Spock never tried to <em> make </em> him anything. It was something he loved so much about his Vulcan. He loved Jim for who he was, he didn’t try to change any part of him, mess or no. </p>
<p>“He’s my safety net.” He finally said and finally admitted to himself. “The one person that I...I think I can finally trust to always be there to catch me and I...need catching. A lot.”</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>“Spock.” Jim sighs in exasperation, “Just tell her. I can see that keeping everything a secret is eating you alive and I damn well know she can see it too.” He puts his hands on Spock’s shoulders and shakes him just a little, “Just tell her Spock.”</p>
<p>“I…” he could feel Spock’s emotions then and Jim hadn’t even realized just how much his husband had been blocking until that moment. It made Jim pause. </p>
<p>“Hey. Hey it’s okay.” He comforts, “It’s going to be okay love.” He adds softly and he wants to reassure him more, to tell him that his mother would understand, that she wouldn’t abandon him, but he couldn’t, because his own mind didn’t believe that. Couldn’t believe that bause, well, in his experience mothers never stuck around. </p>
<p>“It’s going to be alright love.” He settles on instead, “I’m here. I’ll help.”</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>The plan was simple. They only had a few more days at the cabin and so, really, all it came down to was dropping enough hints until Spock’s mom asked the right questions. Was it as straightforward as simply <em> telling </em>the woman? No. But that’s what Spock gets for continuously freezing and leaving it to Jim to figure out a way to bring the topic up.</p>
<p>Thankfully, or not, they didn’t have to wait long for the opportunity as Spock’s mom, likely also feeling the closing of their time together, felt that it was a good time to bring up <em> wedding plans </em>.</p>
<p>“But surely, Spock, Jim’s family must want some kind of ceremony. We can keep it small, just a small thing.” She prompted when Spock flat-out refused a human wedding.</p>
<p>“As my Bonded has not spoken to his family since the age of sixteen years,” Spock responds quickly enough before even Jim can, “I know him to be unwilling to host a ceremony simply on their behalf.”</p>
<p>“But…” Amanda tries again but Jim cuts in.</p>
<p>“No ma’am Spock is absolutely right. I haven’t spoken to my family in years and I don't plan to start now. Besides,” He shrugs, “the memories I already have of bonding to Spock are enough for me. I don’t need anything else.” He smiled softly, reaching out his fingers to run along Spock’s own on the counter top.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Amanda is silent for a long moment, just watching them. “Will you tell me about it?” She finally asks. </p>
<p>“I don’t know if there is much to tell.” Jim confesses after a moment of conversing silently with Spock. “I remember waking up on our last day together and seeing him bundled tightly in all of my bedsheets like the sheet-hog he is,”It’s probably a little too intimate to confess but she had wanted to know, “and realizing that, if I didn’t do anything then, I would never be able to see him again. To touch him again or feel his mind against mine-“</p>
<p>“Jim.” Spock cuts in softly, comfortingly as he moved a hand to graze Jim’s cheek causing Jim to smile up at him brightly.</p>
<p>“His shuttle back to San Fran was in a few hours and I...might have panicked a little when I realized.” Jim laughed lightly, turning back to look at Amanda, “I shook him awake and he glared up at me <em> so </em>angrily but I just ignored it and blurted out ‘marry me. Please marry me.’ And. Well. He said yes.”</p>
<p>“You were very frantic that morning.” Spock added, “but had you not requested my hand in marriage I would have done so myself, at a far more <em> reasonable </em>hour, before I was to leave. I, too, was unwilling to leave without the promise of seeing you again.”</p>
<p>They looked at eachother fondly, remembering their bonding with something of a romanticized gaze, before Amanda’s confused voice cut through their thoughts.</p>
<p>“Spock,” She said slowly, “when, exactly, was this?”</p>
<p>Jim’s breath hitched and his hand tightened on Spock’s. ‘busted’ he thought mildly as he looked at Spock for some kind of sign. They could still turn back. Jim could come up with some kind of believable lie. He was good at that stuff.</p>
<p>But a look of determination came over Spock’s face and he gave Jim a small almost imperceivable nod before turning to him mom. This was it then.</p>
<p>“Mother. We need to talk.”</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>Jim left the room. He had looked at Spock for direction, willing to stay, but when he had requested to speak to his mother alone Jim carefully excused himself from the room. Still, he didn’t go too far, just outside the door because he knew Spock would need him close by the end of this.</p>
<p>He heard Spock’s voice say carefully, “we have not been entirely truthful with you in regards to our relationship. While it is true that Jim and I are bondmates this is not a new development. We were married on September 23rd of the year 2252.”</p>
<p>The silence stretched between them, long and hard at Spock’s confession. At the fact that they had been married for over five years, more then half way to six now, and not just a few weeks. Jim slumped hard against the wall separating them, head heavy as he waited for what came next.</p>
<p>“You know that I will need to tell your father right?” came Amanda's slow response. </p>
<p>“I am aware.”</p>
<p>“Spock…” She says and it is hesitant, worried, “I know you two had a falling out. I was mad with him for months after you left.” And Jim thinks, <em> only months? How could she forgive him so fast? </em> But she is already going on, “I am <em> still </em> mad at him sometimes but, oh Spock. You have done so well for yourself all on your own. I know it might seem counterintuitive but, in a way, I believe his choice to disown you was for the best.” And Jim’s chest feels tight at that, hurt, and he doesn’t know if it's Jim’s emotions of Spock’s that are causing it, “You have done so well for yourself my son, without the weight of all of Vulcan upon your head. I am <em> happy </em> for you. I just don’t understand why you didn’t feel you could tell me about this. Why you couldn’t tell me about your bonding.”</p>
<p>Jim listens to the soft silence that follows but does not go in, knowing that there will be more and not wanting to disturb the two.</p>
<p>“I too have found that father’s choice to disown me has been advantageous to both my mental and intellectual growth.” Spock conceded after a moment, “but I have also learned something from both my work and my husband over the years mother: when the same experiment consistently yields the same result to expect a different outcome would be folly<em> .” </em>And Jim winced because he knew that Spock, in his own backwards way, was talking about his fear of being left behind.</p>
<p>“Spock-“ Amanda’s voice barely came through the door this time, soft and tearful.</p>
<p>“Mother. Please let me continue uninterrupted.” Spock cut her off and Jim knew that had to be hard for him, that this whole thing had to be hard for him. He knew Spock didn’t like to see his mother cry.</p>
<p>“I-alright.”</p>
<p>“I hope you will forgive my emotionalism,” he starts and Jim could hear the underlying tremble in his voice. “But there is no way for me to explain my logic without it. I do not say it often but it is important that you understand: Mother I love you. It is a simple fact.” He pauses, maybe to let the words sink in or to compose himself before going on Jim does not know. “But Mother; you and Sarek were my parents. My mental and, yes, emotional health was laid into your hands, and yet I often look back at my childhood and ask myself why certain choices were made. The logic behind them. You wished for a child and yet, when faced with multiple options for adoption, some of which you even took, you still chose to create me. When faced with the truth of my heritage, a heritage you purposely created, you chose to raise me upon Vulcan which was known to be intolerant and where you yourself struggled against hatred for your humanity. The anger of my youth was seen as uncontrolled and wild, and yet it was my fellow students' illogical hatred for my human side that drove it out of me.” He hears Spock take a calming breath before going on.</p>
<p>“Again and again <em> I </em> was the one punished and seen to be failing. Still, then, it was chosen that we remain upon Vulcan. That I be sent to Gol instead. When I grew the prejudices of Vulcan did not change. My existence did nothing to alleviate the deep rooted xenophobia of the Vulcan people, and yet for you and father I <em> tried. </em> For my love for you I could do no more than <em> try </em> for what was the point of me, the point of my creation, if not to prove that xenophobia illogical?”</p>
<p>Jim could hear a sob and knows that it is Amanda, knows that she has likely bitten back on some response to that but Spock keeps going, likely knowing that if he stopped now that he would never get it out.</p>
<p>“My human blood, the part of me that comes was you, was still seen as a disadvantage. Would always be seen as a disadvantage. <em> You </em> would always be seen as my disadvantage.” He presses on, “The words of the science academy brought that to light after so many years that I tried to ignore it. Brought to light that I would never be able to change Vulcans xenophobia. That I would constantly be punished for trying to combat it. That in combating it or ignoring it I would automatically lose. It was a no win scenario.” He went on and Jim’s breath hitched, feeling tears start to enter his own eyes, “To try and fight the xenophobia I was constantly faced with was to prove I had emotions that drove me to fight it. To not fight would be to let myself be crushed under its weight. And so I chose the only option left open to me. I rejected them. I rejected them, not for logic, but for my love for you, and for that I was disowned.”</p>
<p>“Spock, I-I don’t know what to say.”</p>
<p>“You need not say anything Mother.” Spock says softly, “I am simply explaining why, when I was so often punished for my love, both at the hands of my peers and my own father, that I chose not to tell you about my love for Jim.” </p>
<p>The silence came back this time and it was heavier, darker, and Jim heard Spock stand up, the creaking of a chair and floorboards before he was leaving. Jim stood to meet him and reached out to grab him as he slumped into Jim’s arms. </p>
<p>“Come on love.” He mumbled softly, “let’s get you somewhere to meditate.”</p>
<p>———</p>
<p>Jim could not sleep that night and so found himself wandering until he came across the kitchen whose light was already on.</p>
<p>“Hey.” He says softly, looking at the women within and watching as she jumped slightly.</p>
<p>“Oh! Jim! Is...is Spock okay?”</p>
<p>“He’ll be fine.” Jim offers carefully, “He’s just meditating. It takes a lot out of him to admit to making decisions based on his emotions rather than pure logic.” </p>
<p>Amanda lets out a soft laugh but it is a broken thing. “It seems that that is my fault then too.”</p>
<p>Jim hesitates for a long moment in the doorway to the kitchen, simply watching her before finally speaking. “Mrs. Grayson, may I speak freely?”</p>
<p>“I...think I would welcome it.” she admits softly</p>
<p>He makes them both some tea before moving over to her and sitting across from her. “Look I don’t have the best track recorded with mother’s and I don’t know shit about father’s but...I know that, unlike mine, you actually stuck around to try and see things through. Do I think you made some crappy decisions? Ya. But hindsight is twenty-twenty right?” Jim offers, at it's a small olive branch. </p>
<p>Amanda takes a deep breath at that and takes a slow drink of her tea, “I hadn’t realized he saw it that way. I hadn’t realized that he-he saw it as us, as all of Vulcan, punishing him for his love.” She confesses, “I...I should have realized. I was the human in the relationship but I-I let myself be convinced that learning more control was better for him. I was afraid to lose him if he failed.”</p>
<p>“And yet you lost him anyway.” Jim finishes her unspoken thought.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>He shuffles where he sits and brings his tea cup to his lips, thinking for a long moment before putting it down. “You know, Spock did not love me for a long time, and I didn’t really love him.” he admits. It’s not actually something that he has told anyone before, “Yes we were married but that wasn’t love. It was more a” He pauses, trying to put a word to what it was, “an understanding that something deeper was possible between us. that we both didn’t want to lose that possibility and wanted to actively explore it. It wasn’t until a year later that I thought I might actually love him, and it wasn’t until two years later that I thought of him as a friend.</p>
<p>But he,” Jim hesitates again, again trying to find the word, “he struggles with his love for me.” He settles on, “I <em> know </em> he loves me, at least now he does. I can feel it and most days he does not hold it back, at least when we are alone together, but do you know the only times he did?” She looks at him curiously but he could tell that she knew the answer, “it was when he talked to you. I could feel how much he needed love after his conversations with you but I could always feel the way he pulled away from me. The disgust and hatred he felt for himself at the love he felt for both me and you. The disgust and hatred he was <em> taught </em> by those who thought they were helping him.”</p>
<p>“You must hate me.” she says so softly that Jim hardly hears it.</p>
<p>“I- I do not know how I feel about you.” He confesses, “I don’t know if I can untangle what I feel about you from my own issues with my mom.” He adds, looking down at his hands, “But I do know that Spock loves you so that’s…that’s something.”</p>
<p>They sit in silence after that for a long time, simply drinking their tea and lost in their own thoughts. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry you two felt you couldn’t tell me.” She finally says when it is obvious they are both done, “That you couldn’t tell anyone.”</p>
<p>“Ya well…” he shrugs and doesn’t think his first answer of ‘<em> we didn’t think there was anyone worth the risk of telling’ </em>would go over very well and so he settled on “that hindsight is a real bitch.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Authors notes regarding a canon point in this story: there was discussion on Tumblr about the fact that, at some point between Spock’s early days in Starfleet and the TOS episode ‘a journey to babil’ Amanda went from wearing Vulcan clothing and obviously trying to fit in as much as she could with Vulcan life and then BAM! Feather dresses and colorful outfits!</p>
<p>In this story this is where that transition happens. Where Amanda realizes that her own decisions to assimilate to her husbands culture had actively harmed her child and, being the dedicated mom she is, goes ‘better late than never’ and stops, thereby letting herself be more human in order to show Spock through her actions, not just her words, that it is okay to do so. </p>
<p>And this is it. This is all I have for this story. There might be some more later, but for now this was the final, big person that Jim and Spock felt the need to tell. The rest of everyone else? Well. They really weren't as important. I really hope you enjoyed the ride!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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